


Bargaining and Problem Solving

by Witchy1ness



Series: How To (Not) Raise a Ravager [4]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Yondu's not sure what the heck Quill's gotten him into, and learning about puberty, little bit of talking about sex, mentions of an unsavoury Ravager habit, rated T for Tons of Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-16 00:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14152488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Witchy1ness/pseuds/Witchy1ness
Summary: Peter's 13, Kraglin has unfortunate timing, and Yondu regrettably winds up learning more about Terran anatomy than he ever wanted.





	Bargaining and Problem Solving

**Author's Note:**

> All recognizable characters, species, and settings are the property of Marvel Comics, Marvel Studios, and/or Disney. I'm just borrowing them :)
> 
> Quotes in bold are lifted directly from several books which are listed at the end, and also don't belong to me.
> 
> Written in 2018.
> 
> Reviews and constructive criticism welcome, flames will be ignored.
> 
> And although it makes me cringe, I totally *Jedi mind trick* the whole 'how does Yondu know how to read English?' bit because I can.

_Some days it feels a little bit more like hostage negotiating with a band of drunken bipolar pirates than actual parenting._  
**\- @mommaunfiltered**

  


When Peter had been thirteen – or thereabouts, it was a little hard to keep track of an Earth year up in space – Kraglin had accidentally walked in on him doing something that had left the both of them horribly embarrassed and Yondu horribly amused for _weeks._

The Captain’s first instinct had been to take the brat to a sexbot to work out his urges – why bother explaining shit when the kid could go and figure it out on his own? – but Kraglin had (rather grudgingly) pointed out that given what they didn’t know about Terran biology, and given that his father was likely the biggest sexual degenerate in the universe, maybe that wasn’t such a good idea? 

Now, they assumed at least some of Ego’s inclinations had to be reflected in Quill – except neither of them could recall the kid ever showing any interest in sex; and the only ‘inclination’ he’d shown so far (unintentionally as it had been) had everything to do with him being a growing male and nothing to do with being the spawn of a Celestial. 

Coupled with what they’d discovered through trial-and-error over the first few years, Yondu had come to the conclusion that Terrans were likely to be very similar to Xandarians when it came to biology and sex and the consequences thereof. He’d ordered Kraglin to ask the kid about it – but that had only resulted in a stilted, useless conversation that had the atmosphere awkward for days. 

So being rather familiar with the idea of 'forewarned being forearmed', if not the actual saying, Yondu had then gritted his teeth and attempted to find out _anything_ on Terran biology; which turned out to be easier said than done; what with Asgard keeping its greedy eyes on Earth, it was getting harder and harder – not to mention more foolhardy – to go digging into anything even remotely associated with the planet. 

And the _last_ thing he wanted to do was have word get back to Ego that Yondu Udonta was sniffing around the last planet the Celestial had sent him to. Scratch that – the last thing he wanted was for word to get out to the rest of his _crew_ ; the less inclination he gave them to challenge him, the better for everyone involved. 

All of which conspired to bring him to this point in time, months later, staring at the aggravatingly small pile of books – actual books, which were made out of _plant fibre_ how fucking backwards was Terra, anyway? – he’d smuggled into his quarters. They were currently between jobs, and he should’ve been looking for the next one, but the crew was still happily drinking off the profits from the last one, so Yondu estimated he’d have a couple shifts at least before enough shit hit the fan that Kraglin couldn’t handle it himself any more. 

Sighing, he took a bracing swig from his flask before picking up the first book. A parade of kids going from baby to brat marched on the pukey-green coloured front, and the book was called _Wonderfully Made._

He cringed. 

_Anyone who’s ever though’ brats were ‘wonderfully made’ must not’ve had any of the lil fuckers._

Tossing the book back on the stack, Yondu stalked over to make sure the door to his vault was locked. Normally he’d sit at the terminal in his quarters but given the subject matter and lack of lockable doors to said quarters, he’d retreated instead to the tiny closet space in which he placed his most valuable possessions. 

Then instead of sitting back down he attempted to pace, only to quickly give it up in the cramped quarters. He settled for eyeing the pile of literature with a loathing he usually reserved for double-crossing clients. 

While it wasn’t that he couldn’t read – Stakar had made sure to educate him at least that much – it wasn’t something he particularly cared to do for _fun_ , and the pile of five books represented more reading than he’d normally do in a _year._

Muttering curses and deprecations Yondu took another swig from his flask before picking up the first book again and beginning to read. 

_**WONDERFULLY MADE** _

_**Living things and man-made things both display INTELLIGENT DESIGN.**_

He couldn’t stop a snort from escaping. 

_Right. Don’ think a kid who keeps tryin’ to turn Orloni into pets can qualify as ‘intelligent design.’_

He kept reading. 

_**The whole realm of nature reveals the wisdom and intelligence of God, the Creator of all that exists.** _

_That_ was easily enough understood; Terrans weren’t the only race who believed an all-powerful deity was responsible for their existence, but Yondu glossed over the repeated mentions of this ‘God.’ 

_With a name like that, gotta be another damn Celestial._

“We know that we know? Th’fuck….?” He furrowed his brows at the drawing on the third page. “ **I am me, I know I am me, I know that I know I am me?** What in the ever-lovin’ hell –“ 

Yondu put the book down and scrubbed a hand over his face before running it over his fin. “Boy, you are gonna fuckin’ _owe me_ for this,” he muttered to the empty air before gritting his teeth and picking up the book again. 

_**But humans have freedom of choice – and with it comes responsibility for the choices we make.** _

_That_ hit a little too close to home, so Yondu hurriedly turned the page and kept reading. 

Soon enough, he had to grudgingly admit that – all the Celestial crap aside – it was at least a useful book in regards to Terran anatomy. It explained them from the inside out, and didn’t use any of that damn medical jargon; something he appreciated as he laboured his way through it. 

_But do Terrans seriously believe their females came from a damn **rib**?_

Unfortunately, it was bumfuck useless when it came to dealing with the current issue with Peter. And what the hell was with the section called ‘Intelligent Design’ that had nothing to do with Terrans or sex but Terran _animals_? 

_Maybe them videos Taserface likes to watch are pretty typical for Terrans?_

Setting the book to the side, he grabbed the next one, only to stop as the headache that had been pounding quietly behind his eyes took the opportunity to loudly announce itself. 

_Fuck._

Dropping the book, Yondu squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his head into his hands, strange words and phrases dancing behind his eyelids. His implant _ached_ , enough so he swore he could feel every damn wire from in-port to out. 

It happened, from time-to-time; like his crest was being ripped off all over again. Painkillers never seemed to help; all he could do was ignore it or sleep it off. Odd though; reading had never triggered it before – 

A muffled thump followed by cursing brought his head up, and he scowled when Quill’s angry voice came through his door. “Shit Yondu, what the hell are you doin’ in there? Let me in before I hack the damn lock!” 

_Brat’d do it too._

Yondu – his headache intensifying – quickly shoved the books under a small, tattered old jacket and keyed the door unlock code into the internal padd as he stood. He strode out the second the door opened wide enough, forcing the kid to scramble backwards to avoid getting bowled over. 

He raised an unimpressed eyebrow. The boy had gone from a tiny pain-in-the-ass forever shooting his mouth off to a recalcitrant, moody, slightly bigger pain-in-the-ass forever shooting his mouth off seemingly overnight. 

Yondu took in the ripped shirt, freshly blooming shiner, and repressed an urge to sigh. 

“Problem, boy?” he rasped. 

Quill scowled, fists clenched at his sides; his attempts at being intimidating were almost comical on his skinny frame. 

“Kraglin says I can’t take the _Milano_ out!” 

Yondu’s other eyebrow rose, “An’ you back-talked till he beat your ass, or what?” 

The boy flushed, the colour painfully apparent on his pale skin. “Weren’t Kraglin,” he muttered dourly. 

Yondu could feel the headache surging along his crest and bit back a pained snarl as he crossed his arms. “You brawlin’ with the Pangorian twins again?” 

Quill’s glare told him he’d hit the mark. Whatever – so long as the kid was upright and with nothing broken Yondu didn’t care who the hell he tangled with. 

“So why’s your ass here?” 

“Kraglin says I can’t take the _Milano_ out,” the boy repeated exasperatedly, like he didn’t understand what the Captain wasn’t getting about the situation. 

Yondu barely resisted the urge to whistle. 

“I know he did. I told him to tell you that if you asked. So you thought you’d go over his head an’ come to me?” 

Quill squirmed and scowled at the same time, making Yondu roll his eyes. 

"The _Milano_ is _my_ ship, I don’t need your – or anyone’s – permission to take her out!” 

That did it. 

Yondu uncrossed his arms and placed his hands on his hips as he scowled down at the Terran – and fuck if he didn’t have to look down as far as he used to – the thumping of his heart echoing in his temples. 

“Actually boy, until you pay ‘er off, she’s _my_ ship! An’ _you_ are a Ravager on _my_ ship, under _my_ command, ya little shit-fer-brains! An’ if I say you don’ get to take joy rides until you pay me back for that last problem on Xandar – _you don’ get to take joy rides until you pay me back for that last problem on Xandar!”_

Quill’s scowl dropped as he hunched his shoulders defensively, and Yondu bared his teeth in a savage grin as he chuckled. 

“Thought I’d forgotten about that, didya boy?” 

Said boy refused to meet his gaze, choosing instead to glare at Yondu’s boots. 

The Centaurian straightened, eyes studying the quiet – yet clearly not cowed – kid in front of him. 

“Go see Horuz,” he said at last. “We got a couple M-ships that need some work. He says you do a good enough job and mebbe I’ll wipe some of that debt, you hear me?”

Quill’s head came up, expression cautiously optimistic.

“You swear?” he demanded (he’d learned long ago there was no sense in asking for a promise; Ravagers broke those as easy as breathing). 

“I swear,” Yondu gritted out, fighting a sudden wave of nausea. He really needed some quiet. 

“Fine,” came the grudging agreement, and Quill turned to slouch away. 

“Ain’t you forgettin’ something, boy?” The Centaurian’s tone was a low growl, a warning to not push his luck any further. 

The boy stopped at the top of the stairs, sullen scowl firmly back in place. He jerked his head down quickly, fist barely hitting his chest as he tapped twice before dropping his arm. 

_“Damn blue bastard….”_

Quill wasn’t quite out of earshot when he started muttering, but Yondu resisted hauling his ass back up for another dressing down, sigh drifting unheard in the otherwise empty space. 

_If he don’t grow outta this I swear I’mma save Ego the trouble and kill him myself._

Groaning, he made his way to flop down on his bed, intent on not moving from the damn thing until his head didn’t feel like it was gonna explode every time he breathed. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

A ship-day and a half later, Yondu braced himself as he picked up the next book. He’d found a little milk-run job for a couple of the junior Ravagers – Quill included – and had decided to take the opportunity to try and get through the rest of the Terran information. 

“How Babies Are Made,” he read aloud. 

Flipping through it, his eyebrows rose at the pictures. Seriously, what _was_ it with Terran sex books including animals? The only thing it showed about _actual_ Terrans having sex was what he assumed was a male and a female in bed, and then the female popping out a brat on the next page. 

_Well tha’s fuckin’ useful. I coulda figured out **that** much m’self._

Scowling, he tossed that one over his shoulder and picked up the next volume. His hopes were starting to dwindle faster than the pile of books. 

_**How a Baby is Made.** Seriously? They so fuckin’ stupid they need more than one book to explain this shit?_

“Well, not tha’ the last one was partic’larly useful,” he muttered sourly. 

Flipping open the cover, he barked a laugh at the illustrations. 

_Ugly lil fuckers, ain’tcha?_

This book was marginally more useful – at least it confirmed that baby-making for Terrans _was_ the same as it was for Xandarians – but again, not useful in the slightest for Yondu’s – or rather, Peter’s – current situation. 

He kept it anyway – debated putting it on Quill’s bunk and leaving the book open to the birthing page just to see how the boy would react. 

With a chuckle, he set it on top of the first one and picked up the next-to-last volume. Only to put it down with a curse as his comm indicated an incoming call from Quill. They’d barely been gone long enough to _get_ to the job, which didn’t bode well. 

He didn’t even let the boy start as he punched ‘accept’. 

“Boy, you fuck this up _already_ an’ I swear I’m –.” 

_“It’s not my fault!”_ Quill’s indignant tone rang out, and Yondu pushed to his feet and began making his way to the bridge, shouting for the rest of the crew as he went. 

_I swear, every damn time I need to deal with somethin’…_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

In the end it turned out that it _wasn’t_ , actually, Quill’s fault this time. But it was still an absolute shit-fest involving Kree slavers, a ship full of newly freed slaves, and the addition of a couple bounties on the Centaurian’s head by said slavers. By the time Yondu was able to sit down for a third attempt at finishing the damn books, it was nearly a week later. 

“Last ones,” he muttered sourly. If these two were as useful as the others, he’d be back to square one. Less than, actually, because Kraglin had made it clear in no uncertain terms that while he wouldn’t disobey a direct order, there was no way in any hell he was going to talk to the kid about the subject again. 

Yondu could feel his lip curling in disgust as he took in the cartoony figures on the front of the next book. 

_**Where Did I Come From?**....I’m too fucking sober for this shit._

It took a few bracing pulls from his flask – and then a few more for good measure – before he could bring himself to continue reading. 

The volume looked more promising right off the bat, despite its cringe-inducing vocabulary. The anatomy lesson was pretty basic, but once the actual description of sex started Yondu was torn between laughing hysterically and drowning himself in liquor. 

Which meant it was rather unfortunate timing for the Nova Corps to find them. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

When he’d _finally_ managed to get some time to check out the last book (his actions against the Nova Corps had been savage enough the crew was giving him a wider berth than usual), he’d been too antsy to stay in the vault, and had cautiously come out into his quarters. Sitting on his bed in a manner that would make it easy to hide the book should anyone come stomping up, Yondu didn’t even bother bracing himself before starting to read. 

He barked a laugh when he read that ‘peter’ was slang for a Terran male’s junk, storing it away for future blackmail use. He skipped past the bits about pregnancy and settled in to read about male Terran maturation cycles. There was, regrettably, more information than Yondu thought was necessary about Terran penises, and he impatiently skimmed past until a familiar word caught his eye. 

_Cancer._

A memory of a younger Quill, curled in a miserable ball on his bunk sometime during the first year he’d been picked up. The torrent of words that had gushed forth when Yondu had snarled at him to get his ass to the mess hall and fuckin’ _eat_ something had been largely unintelligible, but he’d caught the gist of what had happened to the kid’s mother. 

He’d immediately suspected Ego’s hand in the whole thing, of course - it wouldn't be the first time they'd picked up a kid whose mother had conveniently died - but there had been no point in dwelling on it. The female was dead, and Quill was too if Ego ever got his hands on him. 

Yondu gritted his teeth, shaking off the memory and carefully went back and read the section. The way the brat had been acting, he was pretty sure the kid’s balls had dropped properly, but it wasn’t as if he’d gone and _looked_ at them. 

He went back to skimming until he came to a section called **The Puberty Growth Spurt** , only to start muttering as he read how much in height the kid could possibly shoot up. 

_Th’brat gets taller than me an’ I’ll have to make sure to kick his ass extra hard so he don’t get no funny ideas._

He rolled his eyes reading about growing pains; if that was _all_ Quill went through during this ‘puberty’, the brat ought to count himself lucky. All the potential issues that could arise made him snort in derision; how delicate were these damn Terrans, anyways? 

A lot of the rest of the information matched up pretty well with what Yondu knew about several other species, but it was rather aggravating to realize that Terrans were apparently another species that didn’t really have an ‘off’ switch when it came to sex. 

His mood only soured further as he read that not only was what Kraglin had caught Peter doing _normal_ , but likely a very frequent occurrence. While Yondu didn’t give a flying Orloni what his men did in their private time – so long as it wasn’t scheming behind his back – he was going to have to set a few ground rules with the kid. 

_I do **not** wanna be walkin’ in on that crap._

The rest dealt with females and feelings, so he let the book flop closed, mind whirling and crest beginning to ache. 

He got up and placed it back in his vault, surprised he managed to get through the damn thing without interruption. Flopping back on his bed, Yondu stared unseeing through the viewport, mind whirling with all the new information. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

"Er, Captain?" 

Scowling, Yondu opened his eyes (when had he closed them?) and looked up at his second-in-command, causing the Xandarian to take an unthinking step backwards. 

And while it always gratifying to see the effect he had on his subordinates, Yondu was in no mood to enjoy it. 

“What _is_ it with you pink-skinned flesh-bags?” he grumbled. “Like fuckin’ tail-less Orloni when it comes to fucking.” 

Kraglin grimaced in sudden understanding. “Ah. You, ah, you were readin’ up on stuff about Terrans, then?” 

“Basically, the same as you Xandarians, when it comes to sex. Which _means_ –“ and here he pinned Kraglin with a withering ruby glare as he shifted upright, “- we coulda just tossed him to a sexbot inna first place - _like I said to_ \- an’ I wouldn’t’ve had to deal with this!” 

Never one to have his self-preservation instincts questioned, Kraglin wisely kept his mouth shut in the face of his captain’s ire. 

“An’ why are you here, anyway?” he added, narrowing his eyes, “We’ve barely come outta jump. What the hell’ve the crew been able to get up to already?” 

Kraglin gulped. “Not the crew.” 

Yondu groaned. 

“ _Not_ Quill.” 

A grimace, “Not so much Quill as his, uh….” 

Halfway standing Yondu paused, a suspicious tingle racing up and down his crest. 

“His _what_ , Kraglin?” 

There was a long pause as the Xandarian visibly braced himself, and Yondu was a split second away from whistling when – 

“His girlfriend,” his first mate blurted out, and there was a beat of silence. 

And then a roar: 

_“What girlfriend?!”_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

**Author's Note:**

> Resources: 
> 
> Wonderfully made - Richard Gunther  
> https://www.christart.com/christianbooks/read/4751/1 
> 
> How Babies are Made - Andrew C. Andy and Steven Schepp  
> https://www.buzzfeed.com/briangalindo/how-babies-are-made-might-be-one-of-the-most-vivid-sex-ed-bo?utm_term=.af9g8n7pp#.obEgOeRqq
> 
> Where Did I Come From? - Peter Mayle  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fGlplV aWok 
> 
> How a Baby is Made -Per Holm Knudson  
> https://www.mamamia.com.au/1970s-sex-ed-book/ 
> 
> What's Happening to My Body? Book for Boys - Lynda Madaras  
> (ebook from my local library)


End file.
